August 17th, 2024
I’m not going to lie, one of the very first things I thought of after I got my breast cancer diagnosis was the reality that I was going to lose my hair. I knew that there were some variations of chemo that didn’t cause hair loss, but it wasn’t likely that I would be prescribed the “no hair loss” variant. I didn’t want to lose my hair. I had been working on it’s length for years and it was the longest it had ever been… I had finally figured out how to style it in a way that was cute and manageable…I loved the color of my hair…I just loved my hair.
Now, my hair wasn’t going to be the only thing I would lose and the thought of losing my hair started me down the rabbit hole of thinking about all the things I would be losing because of cancer. I was under a blanket of sadness and It felt pretty heavy…a cancer diagnosis is heavy. It felt like I was having perpetual realization of all the ways I was going to have to be brave. One doesn’t normally have to be brave for fun things, it’s usually scary things that one has to be brave for. Ugh, having to be brave usually sucks. I didn’t want to HAVE to be brave. This made me feel sad, so so sad.
Normally I’m a feel-your-feelings kind of gal, but on this day sadness was too heavy to feel. I was going to suffocate under the weight. So I decided to take Jojo out for a movie date. I was so out of it that I accidentally purchased tickets at a theatre that was super far from us, but whatever, we were only a little late. We walked into the theater just as Harold and The Purple Crayon was beginning, found our seats, and situated ourselves to optimal comfort. I worked hard to be present but I was so distracted with sadness. Jojo was having a wonderful time; I could tell she was enjoying herself. After the movie was over we kind of by accident found a bunch of children playing at a splash pad. Jojo immediately asked if she could go play. Of course I said yes and I’m so glad I did. Watching my girl enjoy herself so much got me out of my head and into the present. She’s pure delight. I’ve found over the years that delight comes easier for me when I’m watching someone I love delighting in something. That’s one of my very favorite things about having children, they know how to be present and really delight in the moment, especially children with special needs . Jojo doesn’t care who is watching or if she looks silly, it doesn’t even cross her mind while she is playing and having fun. She is present in her playing and I can see the delight all over her. As I sat in the warm sun watching her run free I soaked her in and let her teach me about being present and delighting in the moment. I realized that I didn’t feel as heavy. The sadness was still there but it wasn’t suffocating me anymore, it was all because I allowed my daughter to teach me through her play. She lives so naturally in the now, I admire that about her.
I took the picture below because in that moment I wanted to commemorate my hair and how long it was. I knew I was really going to miss it (I was right, btw). My hair was important to me, it made me feel beautiful and feminine. It needed to be commemorated. Now, this picture reminds me of my hair but it also reminds me of the heavy sadness I felt. You can see it all over my face – sadness. I didn’t realize at the time that I looked so sad but I see it now.
In the spirit of honesty, there was a major meltdown when we had to leave and I had to herd a screaming child to the car. Isn’t that how all good outings end? It’s the way we do it at least. We know how much fun was had based on the meltdown about leaving. If it was a really good time, it is a really big meltdown. “Over stimulation station” is what I like to call it because I like phrases that rhyme and it’s a bit of levity while riding out the meltdown.