I’ve had to deliver news a time or two in my life. I’ve had to deliver happy, weird, devastating, and really everything in-between kind of news. But I’d never delivered the news that I had cancer, this piece of news had never been my news. How would I deliver that news? Is it something I need to share? Is it something I want to share?
Everyone who really needed to know already knew – my husband, my kids, a couple friends, my mom, and my sister and brother-in-law. It was really important for me to tell my side of the family ASAP. Our family is already dealing with a cancer battle. My brother-in-law, Javan, has been fighting breast cancer that has been fucking spreading for the last 10 years now. This man has been fighting a terrible fight for 10 years. It’s horrible and unfair and now I had to tell my mom and sister, who have been living with this man every day of his battle, that their daughter/sister was in earnest jumping through the same cancer hoops. There was this battle inside of me of wanting to protect them from the pain of this news while also wanting to fall into their arms of support. The fact was, I needed them more than I wanted to protect them. There was no way I could peacefully get through this if I didn’t know that my mom, my sister, and BIL were supporting me and praying fervently for me. I needed the people I love to express their love for me by showing up for me in the only way they could. I know it’s genuine and sincere. I needed them for my survival. So as much as I dreaded it, I delivered the news…with a text. I know, I’m such a millennial (but wait, it gets worse). I held my breath after pressing send on the dreaded group text. Yep, I sent a group text to tell my mom and sister that I might have breast cancer. I couldn’t tell them over facetime, that was too real. My mom was devastated. I understood her devastation deeply. I would be devastated if my daughter delivered that kind of news too. I was really putting my mom through it.
I sent a group text to the Sheehan family too. I know, lame. I couldn’t bare the idea of calling all the out of state Sheehans and delivering the news to so many people (there’s a lot of them). I didn’t want to make a big announcement at our next family gathering because that was reserved for baby/engagement announcements, the good stuff of life, not breast cancer. I had a rush of anxiety after a I pressed send on that group text. I was making this breast cancer thing more and more real with every person I told.
I couldn’t land on a response that I really felt resonated with me when people gave me their condolences for my cancer. I didn’t want them to feel bad for me but I also wanted them to know that cancer treatments would be a part of my life. I found myself telling the people at the pharmacy we use. They might be the only people I told in person. As a special needs mom and a mother of 4, we frequent the pharmacy. I have developed what I would consider more than just an acquaintance relationship with John, Charlie, and Terry. These people know everything about our family’s mental health and physical health. I know about their kids, boyfriends, late mothers and how many animals they have. They needed to hear from me that I had cancer, not deduce it by the wave of prescriptions they were going to be filling for me in the coming months.
I decided that everyone else could gather the news from social media or the grape vine and this is what I posted on the socials.
“Life is surprising, unpredictable and sometimes just weird.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer on August 7th. Invasive ductal carcinoma to be exact and I have a genetic mutation that caused it to develop while I’m still so young at 39. I begin the process of treatment on September 5th with a bilateral mastectomy, chemo after that, and then radiation. I trust my team and medical advancements are pretty spectacular so the survival rate is really good. I’ll come out the other side.
I’m feeling relatively calm about it all. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I don’t WANT to have to experience all the treatments and the suffering that comes along with them but I understand that people get cancer and I just happen to be one of those people. I think the hardest part will be watching my family watch me fight this. This is exactly the kind of thing I would have wanted to protect them from and I also know this is the kind of thing that just happens and they will get through it too.
My life is so good and unbelievably blessed – cancer doesn’t change that it just adds a few more challenges to this wonderfully wild and unpredictable life.”
Along with that caption I shared the below pictures. I didn’t realize until months later that I posted a picture with my bra on the chair but it feels appropriate considering what I was posting about.
After posting about it on social media cancer was now documented for eternity on the internet. This was a fact that people could learn about me with a simple google search (like anyone is googling me). Cancer was now a part of my life.
BOOOOOO!!!