The boys were turning 5 on October 2nd and Chris was turning 40 on October 5th. All really big birthdays that I wanted to celebrate. All really big birthdays that I’d been planning in my head for months. Everything had to be canceled. No parties this year, mom has cancer…
We usually do a big party for 5th birthdays. Eliza had a Mermaid and Pirate themed birthday when she turned 5. I was mother to only one child at that point and I seriously went to town. I decorated our entire downstairs like we were under the sea! There was even an octopus cave! It was elite. For Jojo, we had a Mario Cart party where we took turns racing on the Nintendo Switch and everyone gave her bandaids because that was her current obsession. Both birthdays are really good memories to have.
I wanted to do the same for my twins. It was a really big deal that they were turning 5. We had survived 5 years raising identical twins! We had 5 years of loving and knowing two of the best people we’ve ever met. What I wanted to do and what life allowed me to do were two very different things. As their birthday approached I was still freshly sliced and diced and trying my best to heal as much as possible before my first round of Chemo, on October 9th. I was in rough shape and it was only going to get rougher. So, instead of the big party I wanted to throw, we had grandma over for dinner and had cake and opened presents. Turns out inviting Grandma over was the best choice we could have made.
Grandma, Kathleen, makes everything wonderful. She is the best cook in the world (my world, at least), she’s a wonderful friend, and she NEVER misses an opportunity to celebrate something. Kathleen would carefully wrap and pack her decorations to bring over to my house just to make things more festive and make a memory. I remember one time, she and Bruce (her husband and my father-is-law) came over for coffee and dessert. I provided the coffee and Kathleen always provides the treats. She really is a magical woman because I left the room to go help one of my kids and when I came back, the dining room was decorated for St. Patricks day! She brings the magic to any family gathering with both her food and her talent for decorating. Kathleen shows her love in many ways but cooking for you and decorating an otherwise normal gathering are some of my favorite ways she loves us.
Now that you know that, you should not be surprised that when I called Kathleen to see if she could come over for the boys birthday dinner, she immediately went into “Make it special” mode and with every thing she offered to do she was lifting a weight off of my shoulders. I had absolutely no ability to do more than a mostly regular night, but Kathleen could turn that mostly regular night into a memory and she did. She brought the decorations, balloons, food, cake decorations AND candles (I’m notorious for forgetting to buy candles). On top of that she brought PARTY FAVORS for each of the kids so everyone got a little gift from grandma. She made it something special and for that I’m so thankful. The boys loved their birthday and we ended the night with everyone in tears, just an indication of how much fun was had! My boys were 5.
Two days later I took this video.
The next day would be Chris’s 40th birthday. I had to make this one special, he was turning 40! The age that I thought was old when I was a kid! It was a big deal. Chris didn’t want a party, he’s an introvert and a party would be the worst thing I could have given him. I offered to take him and his family out to dinner at one of his favorite restaurants. He was into the idea and that is what we made plans for. Now, this didn’t really satisfy my need to acknowledge how shitty the first few months of being 40 would be for him, likely some of the worst months of his life. I was feeling the pressure of being the biggest stressor in his life and I wanted to give him something really special. His mom, Kathleen, had told me that she had purchased a Huge map of Colorado that Chris has wanted for years. I was so excited that when she said it wasn’t framed I jumped at the chance to do it! Kathleen loved the idea of me framing the picture she got and giving it as a joint gift!
Let me tell you, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was familiar with the faming world because my dad used to be a framer. I knew the mechanics but I did not realize how much of an investment I would be making. I naïvely picked out the frame and the glass and suddenly I was given a total of $1200! I did my best not to look absolutely flabbergasted but I have no poker face, my chin was on the floor. I picked my chin up and with a confidence I was unfamiliar with, pulled out the credit card and tappidy tapped my card down.
Here’s what was really going through my head – “if I balk at the price I’ll look like jerk” “Chris only turns 40 once” “I gotta go, I’m late for school pick up” “Chris is going to suffer a lot because of me in the coming months, he deserves a big gesture.”
As I drove to pick up the kids, my cheeks tingling from the shock of dropping that much money on a gift for Chris. He wouldn’t be happy about me spending that much money, he would rather I spend no money on his birthday at all! Why did I feel like I needed to do that? Then I realized that it was to dissuade my guilt for getting breast cancer. Yep, I figured it out, I felt guilty. I was spending too much money because I felt like I was ruining everyone’s life because I got cancer, especially Chris’s. I had no choice in the matter and neither did the ones I love. Guilt can be an ever present companion when everyone has to adjust their lives because you got sick. I wasn’t dealing with that guilt well, and the $1200 framing job was just the cherry on top of a shit sundae. I did it for Chris but now that I’m looking back, I can see that I did it for me. I needed to make a grand gesture for Chris’s birthday because I felt guilty that my cancer was ruining such an important milestone.
Chris’s birthday came and the kids and I decorated, got donuts, and showered Chris with presents. I felt bad that I didn’t have anything more impressive than a party decoration kit from amazon and I kind of felt like Chris was just trying to act like he was happy for the kids. I could see on Chris’s face that he felt heavy that day too. It was a day that looked very different from what we had hope for. I felt awkward.
That night we, along with Chris’s family, went to La Loma and had a celebratory dinner. I told Chris that I was paying for the entire meal and I was excited to take everyone out to celebrate Chris. I got dressed for real for the first time since my surgery and this would give me a chance to dress nicely and not slob around in my PJs all day. I was anxious about wear real clothes. I was anxious about how my new breasts looked. They felt so fake, did they look fake too. Would it be obvious that I had just underwent surgery? I got dressed into a black body suit, a floral skirt, and my favorite green heals. I tried my best to feel like myself, but I just didn’t know how to feel like me. I was unrecognizable to myself – weird new boobs, purple hair, fatigue all over my face. Instead of feeling like “me”, I decided to feel how I felt, tired and anxious but also really excited to celebrate Chris.
We were the first ones to arrive at the restaurant and Chris dropped me off at the front and parked the car. As I walked in I made eye contact with a lovely young lady who came up to me and asked how she could help me. I gave her the name for the reservation and she walked me to our table. Then she gave me a compliment that changed the whole evening for me. She told me that I have nice skin and that I was “goals”! Little did she know how uncomfortable I was feeling inside my skin and her compliment was the boost I needed to just be confident with who I was at that moment. I thanked her profusely and shared with her how meaningful her compliment really was to me. I told her that I was feeling so self conscious because of all the medical things my body was healing from and getting ready for. I told her the chemo was breathing down my neck and started in 4 days. She smiled and said, “You’re going to be just fine. You’re going to get through this.” I decided to believe her.
The evening was wonderful. Chris’s mom, 2 sisters and 2 bothers-in-law joined us. We all hugged each other and I had to gingerly accept and give those hugs. It was so good to see all of them. I ordered a pitcher of Margarita for the table and we ate the yummiest food. I asked everyone to take turns telling Chris something that they appreciate about him. Chris is a wonderful person, the best man I’ve ever met, and the things that were said about him truly highlighted the kind of person he is. We sang him happy birthday over churros and sopapillas then moved onto presents. Chris loved that I got the map his mom got for him framed, but I made no mention of how much it cost. He’d see that with the credit card bill…we’d deal with that later…
We were enjoying ourselves so much that we had to move to a different table so that the next reservation could get seated! I felt bad about that, but I was so happy that we were all so happy being together and chatting. We don’t get to do that very often because we always have kids running around and conversations with kids around never get finished. Of course we were taking our time! We had so much to catch up on and no one to interrupt.
As the night came to close and were all waiting for the valet to bring our cars I felt overwhelmed with love for every dear person that came to celebrate Chris. Things are never perfect in families, but it is so special to have a family that loves each other, no matter how imperfect the love is. We’re all just trying to love well. Everyone loved Chris so well that night and He deserved all of it and more.
My biggest regret of that evening was that I completely forgot to take pictures. I don’t have a single picture from my husband’s 40th birthday celebration dinner. That’s so annoying!… The lack of pictures does tell me that I didn’t distract myself with brining my phone out, I was present. More likely because I felt so uncomfortable in my body and that was keeping my mind busy. I didn’t have the capacity to remember to take pictures. Oh well, this will just be something I regret for the rest of my life. It’s dramatic but true.
I can see very clearly now that each of those birthday celebrations were just right. They were fun, had yummy food, people laughed, candles were blown out, merriment was had. I’m thankful that things turned out the way they did. They weren’t what I had planned but they were moments of true light in what felt like a very dark time. The boys turned 5 and Chris turned 40. In just a few days I would be starting my chemo rounds, another scary things I would have to face. The birthdays were exactly what I needed to remember what really matters – the ones you love.