I had to get ready. The 4 weeks leading up to my surgery were a blur of deep deep sadness and a rigid need to prepare. There were things I really wanted to get done before I started the whole cancer treatment process.
- Deep clean the house
This is pretty self explanatory but my house needed one of those stem to stern cleanings that happens right before you bring a baby home. I needed to inexplicably find myself scrubbing the baseboards while simultaneously dusting decor. I hadn’t dusted in ages, and the kind of dust that had accumulated was the kind of dust that looks gray and hairy. There is nothing like a good deep cleaning stint to help you fabricate some bastion of control in such an out of control experience. You can assume I’m feeling pretty out of control if I’m “nesting” cleaning. In my head I like to think of this crazed need to clean as Cancer Nesting. (Those two words put together seem off, maybe like it’s disrespectful to the warm and fuzzy feelings that the word “nesting” evokes. It’s probably an insult to pair cancer with “nesting”. Either way, I feel like it describes how overwhelming and uncontrollable my need to clean was.)
- Get a couch for our room
I wanted my kids to be able to hang out with me while I was sick/healing in bed. I wanted my room to be the second living room. We are a together family, we like to be with each other. If one of the parents is in a room, eventually the whole family wanders in. My room prior to cancer didn’t really have a comfortable “come and hangout for awhile” spot. I knew I wanted to have a couch, something big enough to fit multiple people on or for someone to stretch out and take a nap. I found the perfect couch on Facebook Marketplace! Here’s a picture.
- Get new bedding
If I was going to have to lay in bed for an unknown quantity of time, then I was going to have new bedding. I needed to have a fresh bed to lay in while fighting this fight.
- Collect beautiful art to arrange on the wall opposite my bed
I knew I was going to be staring at the wall across from my bed for hours, and that it would constantly fall into my line of sight. I wanted my eyes to land on beautiful things, things that made me smile and inspired my hope. I love how it turned out. It has in fact provided much comfort and hope. Here’s a picture of what I have going on.
- Do a tiny renovation of Chris’s office in the basement
Chris has an office in the basement of our house and it was NOT fancy. I would describe the interior design vibe as ugly and forgotten, because it was. I personally hate basements and would never go down there if it weren’t where our washer and dryer are housed, but Chris spends a significant chunk of his time in his basement office and he deserved a more aesthetic office to work in. Especially since he would be working from home until I was done with active treatments. I got new lighting, a rug, painted the room a peaceful color, and rearranged. It’s not perfect but it looks so much better now and it felt very important to budget my energy towards giving him a more enjoyable atmosphere to work in. Sadly, I forgot to take a picture.
- Refresh the living room decorations
New curtains and a new rug can make the biggest difference. I replaced the torn, heavy grey curtain panels, with an airier floral pattern. The rug needed a refresh too, (kids are so hard on rugs) so I was able to really give myself a house refresh with just a few items.
- Apply for grants designated for women fighting breast cancer
As soon as I met her, my nurse navigator Natalie, sent me a list of grants that I could apply for. This became an item very high on my to do list! Cancer is expensive. Having some extra money would be helpful! We qualified for $5000 worth of grants. It was amazing. We needed it.
- Replace the refrigerator
I knew that I was going to need to have freezer and refrigerator space for meals that our generous support team would bring. I’m pretty sure the refrigerator we had came with the house when it was first built in 1975, that poor thing was on its last leg. If I remember correctly we found and picked out a refrigerator in less than a couple minutes. It took longer for our kids to pick lollypop flavors at the checkout. We’ve never been that decisive when making a large purchase. I guess cancer helps you realize that it’s not worth it to sweat over a refrigerator.
- Spend as much time as humanly possible with my family
I went nowhere. I couldn’t go spend time with friends because I needed to be with my family. Thankfully my friends understood and gave me all the space I needed to soak up every ounce of time with my family before I started cancer treatments. I told them “I want to feel good with my kids as much as possible, we can hang out when I feel bad.”
I’m happy to say that I was able to get all of these things done. It was such a relief later on when I had already started cancer treatments and I was reaping the benefits of my “pre-cancer treatment” work. I thought, “Past Emilie was really nice to me, she did so much that is really helping me right now.” I remember this thought very clearly. I was a good friend to myself, I knew what I needed to have done in order to be taken care of and I did it for myself. I think the real amazing part, is that I was thinking about my future self as well as the people I love when I was “Cancer nesting”. I was being a good friend to myself and the ones I loved. I wanted to make things just a little easier for all of us.
I took that same energy into my cancer treatments. I thought about future Emilie and what would serve her best. I would make myself rest knowing that future Emilie would pay with pain and draining fatigue. I did so much considering of my future self through this process. I am noticing myself and not just everyone else around me, I used to be blind to myself and only able to see and consider others. I’m proud of myself for looking for, listening to, and considering me.
Cancer nesting helped me find a really good friend in myself. The more I was good to myself the more I wanted to be good to myself.
P.s. Eliza helped me edit this piece, she’s a brilliant editor.