Chris and I had one last date before all the cancer treatments were going to begin. God, we needed it. We’re parents of four children so there is always someone interrupting. We hadn’t been able to just talk and get our thoughts out in what felt like forever. I was also craving time to just have fun together. Fun felt imperative and he’s my favorite person to have fun with. He has this quiet comedian quality that just makes me bend over with laughter. He knows exactly what expression to use at the perfect time to make my stomach hurt with laughter. I’m pretty good at making him laugh too. We just have fun together.
For this particular date I made the unilateral decision that we were going to play putt putt golf. Prior to this date I don’t think we had ever played putt putt together so it was going to be a new experience and I liked that idea. When mortality becomes a very real companion doing new things feels really important. This putt putt place was a blast! There was a huge bar where you could order your ideal drink and then hit the course feeling loose! Chris is good at everything sports related, even when he is under the influence and I’m 50/50 stone cold sober, so of course Chris won. That’s what he does…he wins.
After my defeat we headed over to my favorite restaurants, Yard Bird, and ate jalapeño skillet cornbread and smoked chicken. It was heaven. While eating we had a great conversation. I can’t remember what it was about but I remember feeling very connected to Chris during our conversation, so I know it had to be good. I’m sure cancer came up and despite that sadness, we were happy together.
After dinner We took a walk on the Wild side and decided to go back to the putt putt place for a SECOND round of golf! Who are we even?! I can’t remember who won this round…I was feeling pretty loose at this point…if you know what I mean. I do know that I laughed a whole lot and a great time was had.
When I say we needed that, I really mean it. Scary things were ahead of us and the opportunity to connect was imperative. We needed some “better” before we walked into the “worse”. Here’s the thing, I remember feeling sadness just under the surface the entirety of this date, it was nagging at me and trying to make me notice it and pay attention to it. Instead of letting that sadness consume me I somehow used that sadness to push me into the moment and use all my senses to recognize just how good that moment was.
Looking back, I feel like this whole experience is a lesson in the contrasts of life. I’ll probably bring that up a lot in my documentation of this experience. It might even get repetitive but that is probably because I need things to be repeated many times before I actually understand the lesson. Cancer allowed me to really live the duality of life and practice believing that good and bad can coexist. I can notice the bad and forget to notice the good, in fact that’s pretty easy to do. What’s hard is to notice the good when you feel the bad. Cancer required that I exercise this sacred practice more than any other experience in my life.
I can see the sadness behind my eyes in the pictures we took. That’s okay though, I was sad and that is part of the memory. This was a sad and happy memory and I’m learning to be okay with that. Just because sadness was present doesn’t mean it’s not worth remembering. Past Emilie liked to avoid hard feelings like the deep sadness I was feeling on this day. I’m learning to accept hard feelings and allow them to run their course. In fact, their course might look a little like a putt putt course with strange walls and snares making the process just a little bit longer. Time is showing me that every feeling, good or bad, makes it to the hole. If I let it run its course, I’ll eventually make it to the hole and be able to move on to the next. Regardless of the literal or figurative putt putt course, it’s just a little bit easier to get through it with good company and a yummy drink in hand.
