This was the boys first day of preschool and I remember trying really hard to be present despite being so distracted by all the cancer things going on. I got my diagnosis on the first day of school for the girls and that day is a blur. I missed moments that I wanted to remember because of a moment I wished I could forget. That’s not how I want to do life – distracted from the good stuff. I was working hard to focus on the boys and pump them up for the first day of school.
I’m sorry to report that I didn’t do a very good job of being present. Why? I might have taken them to the wrong school. Well, that’s what I did, there’s no “might”. Yep, I was so distracted that I wasn’t totally sure of the school name and typed in the one word I was sure of and selected the first location that popped up. I, blissfully unaware, let the GPS guide the way to the wrong preschool (In my defense the preschool that I took them to had a VERY similar name to their actual preschool). Pre-cancer diagnosis Emilie would have done a dry run and gone to the school the day before in an effort to give herself and the boys some familiarity. Nope, not this time, post-cancer diagnosis Emilie was too distracted the day prior that she was rather surprised when it dawned on her that the next day was her twinsie’s first day of school, she didn’t even have it on her calendar.
Looking back, it’s kinda funny and I can understand why I was so overwhelmed. It’s not that the boys first day of school was “no big deal” to me, it was that I was staring down the barrel of a week full of cancer appointments and SO MANY UNKNOWNS. In the coming few days I would be meeting with my plastic surgeon and oncology surgeon, getting my breast stabbed again to have a marker placed, and getting an MRI to make sure I didn’t have brain cancer too. I was a little freaked out and my distraction was valid.
I posted about this day on social media before I started this blog. My post received the sweet comment/observation from a friend of mine from college. I can’t remember the exact wording but the gist was pointing out to me that even though I was struggling to feel present on that day, I actually was more present than I thought because I have a really clear memory from that day. What an absolutely true observation! Even though I didn’t feel like I was present and can’t remember them walking into their correct school, I did have this, now hilarious, memory of the boys walking into the wrong school! After reading that comment I decided to pause and sit with that memory for a little bit. I remembered that I got them out to take a picture and excitedly walked them inside, I remembered the sudden heat in my cheeks when the secretary told me I was at the wrong place. I remembered turning around and tell the boys that I actually took them to the wrong school and sheepishly explaining to them that I selected the wrong school in the GPS drop down menu and now we had to get back in the car and go to the correct school. You want to know what else I remembered? I remembered that both boys were so chill about it, absolutely unfazed (this is a very unusual response for 4 year olds, they are not usually described as “chill”). I remembered that they showed me so much grace and happily got back in the van and buckled up ready to head to the correct school. I remembered that we even laughed about it together! These are memories I will always treasure! That insightful comment urged me to see and remember such a beautiful interaction between me and my boys, something I really want to remember, the meaning. This treasure of a memory was birthed from a pretty embarrassing one but I’d do it again to find this meaning. My boys are wonderful people and I’m grateful they took this as an opportunity to show grace, I’ll never forget it. I guess I was more present than I thought.Thank you, to my friend who commented, you helped me find a new perspective. You helped me find so much meaning in the day I took the boys to the wrong school.
