August 6, 2024
It’s not a normal day when you have to have your breast impaled multiple times for a biopsy. The day started like any other day – waking up and getting kids fed and dressed, feeding and dressing myself, getting things set with the sitter so that Chris and I could go to the biopsy appointment together. Somehow I maintained my cool through it all and we arrived at the hospital on time…a miracle. I took the below video to document how I was feeling. I’m still surprised at how unfazed I felt. Thankfully I had no idea what I was getting into, so that really helped with the “unfazed-ness”. This was the first time I decided not to research what I was going to experience. I didn’t want to get myself psyched out about it. It seemed like a good idea just to go in blind.
Here’s what I didn’t know: I was about to be impaled 20 times by needles that graduated in size from 1 to 5 inches in length in order to gradually numb the way to the tumor and the area surrounding the tumor. This also included a biopsy of my lymph nodes. They had to take tissue from both the tumor and the surrounding lymph nodes because the MRI showed that the cancer had spread to a few of my lymph nodes too. It was a lot.
Thankfully I had a room full of women with me. Each and every one of those women were so gentle and kind with me. There was one nurse whose job was just to hold my hand. Yes, I literally had a dear woman holding my hand and stroking it while I was on the biopsy table. She held my hand as I felt the pressure of the doctor extracting little worm like pieces of my tumor and lymph nodes and pass them to the nurse who held a cup ready to collect the specimen. It was kind of surreal to watch something like that happen to me. I know that it takes a certain person to want to watch such a thing, but apparently I’m one of those people. I’m just as surprised as you are.
In the video below I was still numb and in good spirits and shared my initial reaction to the experience.
When I came home I went straight to bed and took a nap. I also did some thinking and the video below was made. I’m proud of myself for taking the time to document these thoughts. I’ve looked back at this video multiple times and used it as a reminder of what is true.
Life doesn’t stop and I had to be mom and take my daughter to her back to school night. It was pretty miserable being at back to school night with a boob that was treated like a pin cushion, but we made it through. I’m sure you’re wondering why I went and Chris didn’t go. Well, this was the back to school night for my daughter with autism and I’m her person. I’m the person she feels the safest and most regulated with so a BIG thing like back to school night required my unique services. She was meeting her teacher and her one-on-one aid for the year. I needed to be there. I also needed to let the teacher know that things were going to be tricky for our family during the school year because it was looking like I would be undergoing breast cancer treatments. That part made it feel even more real, telling people always does.
I remember feeling heavy; not sad, just heavy. I was staring down the barrel of a really hard battle and I just wasn’t sure how I was going to do it all. I knew I was going to do it, I just had no idea how. I’m still not sure how I did it, but I did.