August, 8 2024
I recorded the below video the day after I got my diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on August 7th, 2024 and I needed to sit with the reality that I had officially been diagnosed with something I was at one point very afraid of. I also didn’t really have any time to think about it much because I got the diagnosis on my daughter’s first day of school and I had SO MANY things to do including an IEP meeting (those take up all my brain/physical energy). I was absolutely exhausted at the end of the day and just climbed into bed and probably did some doom scrolling on the socials. I definitely didn’t have the brain energy to make a video about Breast Cancer.
I’m glad I waited to record this. Some of the things I say are kind of repetitive but I needed to hear these things more than once, I needed to hear these things come from my mouth. I was giving myself a pep-talk and reminding myself that suffering isn’t special, it’s what you do with it that can transform it into something of value. I needed to remind myself of just how good my life is and that I had everything I needed to go into this fight…I had me. I have experienced many forms of suffering in my life (because I’m a human and that’s just part of the human experience). Every time something really hard has happened I have made it through. The only common denominator about the suffering in my life was me. I persevered and showed up when I didn’t want to and I made it through the suffering. Some suffering is ongoing and I’m still persevering and showing up when I don’t want to. I can say that at the moment this video was taken was the moment that I realized I could trust myself to get through this. I was going to do all the scary and painful things and I was going to come out the other side. I could trust myself.
There’s something really beautiful about being able to trust yourself with yourself. This is a lesson that I believe can only be learned over time. Some children are taught not to trust themselves. I was one of them. It’s taken me years to figure out how to trust myself but I did the work and went to therapy. I had to unlearn a lot of things. My body held onto my distrust of myself and made me feel fearful, but as I practiced trusting my intuition and my abilities my body began to follow suit. By the time this diagnosis came along I had been practicing trusting myself for a couple of years and I hadn’t let myself down since. I knew I wouldn’t be letting myself down this time too. I had a track record I could look at and sermize that I in fact could get myself through this. I’ve always had myself to get me through. I’ve had to do really shitty things before and I could do it again even if this time Cancer was in the mix.